Day 342: Is this goodbye?

Yes. Yes it is.

Voltan no longer has the time necessary for the upkeep of this Evilscope transmission. It is Voltan's sincere hope that the little people have enjoyed reading it as much as Voltan has enjoyed writing it.

Communication may be renewed when Voltan is lord and ruler of all.

P.S. In order to quell certain rumours, Voltan hereby avers that Voltan is not Scaryduck. Nor is Voltan Bummero. So there.

Day 335: Hot

It is unseasonably warm upon Super-Secret Sea-Base Beta and yet the heating is on at full power. For reasons unknown to Voltan the system is set to the calendar. Thus on 21 October the heating is turned on, and it stays on until 21 April. This happens regardless of the weather.

When Voltan is lord and ruler this practice shall be banned. No more sweltering in shirtsleeves in autumn. No more shivering in woollens in spring. The heating shall be turned on only when it is needed. This shall be to the betterment of Voltan.

After allowing Voltan to sweat all weekend—metaphorically this time—Zane has revealed that his tale of Mr Tidy the delivery man was but a jest. No doubt Miss Billingbrox put him up to it. Voltan is relieved to learn that there are no other secret sea-bases in the area. However, Voltan still does not know where Zane found the eggs and crab apples.

Day 329: Control

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, the sale of alcohol shall be strictly controlled via a monopoly. This shall be modeled upon Systembolaget of Sweden.

Perhaps you think this is because Voltan wishes the little people to be more efficient, or less violent or some such. It is for no such reason. Voltan merely wishes to vex others. Ha ha ha ha ha!

What? You know Voltan is evil.

Day 324: Welcome to Voltan's network

When Voltan is lord and ruler certain advances in mobile telephony shall be undone. Specifically, the capability to play music files through the telephone speaker shall be removed. No longer shall the top deck of buses be subject to the latest downloaded drivel. Instead, bus journeys shall be given over to quiet contemplation of the glory of Voltan.

Moreover, ringtones shall be regulated and subject to strict quality controls. No more ba-ding-ding-ding. Ever.

Day 321: Frisky

What is Voltan to do with Trinny and Susannah once they fall into Voltan's hands, as surely they shall during Voltan's ascent to world domination? Should Voltan have them shot and buried in shallow graves? Or, on the other hand, should Voltan indulge in sexual intercourse with one or both of them?

Voltan is not even sure that these two options are mutually exclusive.

Voltan suspects the fat one would be more accommodating, but that the thin one would perhaps give a more spirited performance.

However, neither of them is a patch on Anthea Turner.

Day 314: Font fatwa... a fontwa

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Comic Sans MS shall be obliterated from the face of the earth except for two instances:

1) In a museum, akin to the Black Museum. Its purpose to chill, warn and prohibit.

2) It shall be used on the death warrants of Voltan's enemies. Ha ha.

Day 307: Another list of the superlativest items ever

Next comes number 32 on Voltan's list of hated things: punditry. Voltan remembers, when Voltan was a youngster, how everything was better. Voltan shall now reminisce in a trite manner about this item in such a way as to evoke memories without examining them any further. No doubt you remember the item the same way too. So now we shall laugh gently at a shared recollection of past foibles and/or lost glory. Ah me, ah my. Wasn't it?

No! Voltan shall smite these brainless nobodies! They clog up the Evilscope without remorse. Again and again the same teeth appear surrounded by the same faces, jumping about in an obscene dance with the lips and tongue to form the same words over and over again. Shallow prattle. The sound of oxygen being wasted.

Voltan shall smite them! Smite their shows from the televisual schedules, smite these people from the planet and smite those who continue to comission them from ever having existed. There shall be no place for punditry in Voltan's new world order. No place even its history.

Time for a short break now. When Voltan returns, everything shall be better.

Day 304: Down with the kids

Indolent youth do not trouble Voltan. There are very few such to be found upon the high seas. However, Voltan is aware that street corners in many a town in many a nation state are troubled by accretions of disaffected teenagers. However, hulking hormonal monsters are not a menace, they are a resource waiting to be tapped. Voltan shall set them to work administering vicious beatings.

The young have no conscience and little inclination to think for themselves. More importantly, they shall be keen to make their way in the new world oder under Voltan's rule, whereas the older population has more to lose by Voltan's rise to power. Voltan shall use this underage army to cow the older population. Ha!

Voltan shall distribute free 'hoodies' bearing natty insignia. Loyalty to Voltan shall be absolute.

Day 296: Bonfire of the profanities

When Voltan is ruler of all, Voltan must be wary of sedition. There will be malcontents. Voltan must thwart the malcontents! One method Voltan will employ is to burn books. This will be greeted with joy by the semi-literate masses.

Voltan can imagine the malcontents’ faces watching their pretty books burn. Ha ha ha! They will be beyond despair! This pleases Voltan.

Day 293: Voltanistan

Voltan admires Saparmyrat Ataýewiç Nyýazow, the great Turkmenbashi! He is a true leader worthy of praise. It will be a great shame to depose him. However, Voltan shall not flinch from this when it is time.

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Voltan shall order the construction of giant, rotating golden statues of Voltan to be placed in the principal cities throughout Voltan's dominions.

There shall be much rejoicing. This pleases Voltan.

Moreover, Voltan shall rename various locations in order to reflect their status within the new world order. Thus New York shall become Voltanhattan; London, Voltanium; and Sydney Voltanharbour, New South Voltanland.

All current nation states shall be abolished. They shall be replaced with a single state: Voltanistan.

Day 291: Spitting

Voltan is disgusted by the poor hygiene and manners of little people. Particularly repugnant is the habit of spitting. Voltan shall ban all spitting. Sportsmen and women shall not be immune. Voltan shall not tolerate the spreading of disease. Voltan shall not tolerate the dirtying of the streets. Voltan shall not tolerate turpitude.

Those spitting chewing gum shall be doubly punished.

This edict shall also apply to fellatio.

Day 290: Sing praise to the glory of Voltan

The world would be a better place if the little people knew where they stood. They are like children. They thrive when boundaries are set for them. Singing praise to the glory of Voltan will help them remember their rightful place. This pleases Voltan.

Day 286: Chewing gum

Chewing gum vexes Voltan! Why must little people incessantly chew? They are like cattle chewing the cud. Only cattle do not litter. Cud does not blemish Voltan’s world. Cud does not stick to Voltan’s shoe. Chewing gum does!

Voltan will not tolerate sticky shoes merely to assuage the little people’s unthinking desire to crank their jaws morning, noon and night!

Voltan will ban chewing gum! This will be for the betterment of Voltan.

Day 285: Voltan shall make the trains run on time

The efficient running of one's rail network is the standard by which all dictators are judged.

That and the number of enemies slain.

Day 274: The betterment of Voltan

Voltan's quest for world domination continues. Everywhere Voltan goes there are fools, idiots and wastrels. This world is going to hell in a handbasket. If Voltan were in charge things would be better. No more dithering little people. No more arguing about climate change, the size of hamburgers or import tarriffs for feminine items! Instead all will work with a unity of purpose: the betterment of Voltan!

When Voltan is ruler, Voltan will require a henchman to carry out menial tasks that, while necessary, are beneath Voltan. Like making Votlan’s tea when Voltan comes home from running the world.

Moreover, the henchman must have 1) a distinctive name, perhaps based on his physical appearance, and 2) a special super secret attack that can defeat all enemies. There will be enemies. This pleases Voltan.

Voltan writes from Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, perched on a rusting column 30 feet above the briny swell. Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is shabby, and smells not a little of fish. This vexes Voltan. Voltan is here because Voltan has the builders in Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha to carry out repairs. Their tardiness vexes Voltan. They shall suffer Voltan’s wrath!

The food on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is monotonous, and mostly canned. Voltan yearns to return to Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha, with its extensive kitchens and trained chefs. Fresh food is plentiful, particularly Super Secret Sea-Bass.