Day 278: Cry cry cry

Voltan is not alone in Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Voltan has an underling named Zane. Alas Zane is not a henchman. Zane is not even a flunky. In fact Zane has barely reached goon level, and Voltan fears this is likely to be the zenith of Zane's career in evil. Or should that be nadir?

Every Thursday night is movie night in Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Last Thursday Voltan was feeling magnanimous, having finally succeeded in smiting the tax inspector, and so Voltan allowed Zane to choose the evening's viewing. Voltan feels this was a mistake, and has vowed never to allow this to happen again.

Zane elected to view Walk The Line over the Evilscope, since when he has worn nothing but black, which Voltan could accept quite readily if this were the only effect. However, Zane has also adopted the habit of walking as if his underpants contained considerably more than the two shriveled walnuts Voltan knows to be down there. Zane also claims to be a cowboy, which leads Voltan to wonder just how much attention Zane was paying. But worst of all is that Zane has taken to listening to the recordings of Mr Cash loudly, repeatedly and exclusively.

If Voltan hears Folsom Prison Blues one more time, Voltan may well make Zane walk the line right off B Deck and into the brine below.


Day 276: Voltan's secret weapon

Substance 3xb is extremely potent. Voltan will use substance 3xb both as a fuel and as a weapon. There will be many deaths. There will be cheap transport for Voltan. This pleases Voltan.

Voltan’s efforts to discover substance 3xb continue. There are many experiments that Voltan must undertake. Voltan is becoming accustomed to the smell, but it is doubtful that Voltan shall ever become inured to the other effects: the skin irritation, the headaches and the fequent explosions. Yet these are a small price to pay compared to the benefits Voltan shall reap. Substance 3xb shall not evade Voltan for long.

In the course of this research Voltan has discovered a very efficient way of cleaning brass.


Day 274: The betterment of Voltan

Voltan's quest for world domination continues. Everywhere Voltan goes there are fools, idiots and wastrels. This world is going to hell in a handbasket. If Voltan were in charge things would be better. No more dithering little people. No more arguing about climate change, the size of hamburgers or import tarriffs for feminine items! Instead all will work with a unity of purpose: the betterment of Voltan!

When Voltan is ruler, Voltan will require a henchman to carry out menial tasks that, while necessary, are beneath Voltan. Like making Votlan’s tea when Voltan comes home from running the world.

Moreover, the henchman must have 1) a distinctive name, perhaps based on his physical appearance, and 2) a special super secret attack that can defeat all enemies. There will be enemies. This pleases Voltan.

Voltan writes from Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, perched on a rusting column 30 feet above the briny swell. Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is shabby, and smells not a little of fish. This vexes Voltan. Voltan is here because Voltan has the builders in Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha to carry out repairs. Their tardiness vexes Voltan. They shall suffer Voltan’s wrath!

The food on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is monotonous, and mostly canned. Voltan yearns to return to Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha, with its extensive kitchens and trained chefs. Fresh food is plentiful, particularly Super Secret Sea-Bass.