Day 342: Is this goodbye?

Yes. Yes it is.

Voltan no longer has the time necessary for the upkeep of this Evilscope transmission. It is Voltan's sincere hope that the little people have enjoyed reading it as much as Voltan has enjoyed writing it.

Communication may be renewed when Voltan is lord and ruler of all.

P.S. In order to quell certain rumours, Voltan hereby avers that Voltan is not Scaryduck. Nor is Voltan Bummero. So there.


Day 336: Activity at last

There has been too much talk of late. Voltan has grown complacent in isolation aboard Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. The time for action has arrived.

A submersible awaits by the super secret underwater exit. Voltan shall pilot the craft to an island rendezvous. There Voltan shall harbour it in Voltan's secret tropical outpost (little more than a leafy marine lock-up, to be honest, but there's no harm in sounding impressive) and transfer to a surface vessel.

Voltan's destination is secret, naturally. Zane is to accompany Voltan, while Miss Billingbrox shall remain aboard the Sea-Base. All communications equipment shall of necessity be deactivated until Voltan returns.


Day 335: Hot

It is unseasonably warm upon Super-Secret Sea-Base Beta and yet the heating is on at full power. For reasons unknown to Voltan the system is set to the calendar. Thus on 21 October the heating is turned on, and it stays on until 21 April. This happens regardless of the weather.

When Voltan is lord and ruler this practice shall be banned. No more sweltering in shirtsleeves in autumn. No more shivering in woollens in spring. The heating shall be turned on only when it is needed. This shall be to the betterment of Voltan.

After allowing Voltan to sweat all weekend—metaphorically this time—Zane has revealed that his tale of Mr Tidy the delivery man was but a jest. No doubt Miss Billingbrox put him up to it. Voltan is relieved to learn that there are no other secret sea-bases in the area. However, Voltan still does not know where Zane found the eggs and crab apples.


Day 332: Increasing handicap

The governments of the Western world vaunt democracy as their greatest export and the root of their success. It is Voltan's opinion that this is but window dressing. The West is commercial, corporatist and entirely dependent upon the wage-slavery of its population.

Bring down its businesses, and its governments shall follow. This shall be achieved without the need to confront its armed forces. Therefore, Voltan shall sow death and terror among the business leaders of the Western World.

Voltan shall do this with explosive golf balls and poisoned tees. Voltan shall pass deadly electric currents through the flag poles in each hole. Ha ha! And Voltan shall keep something special in store for the 19th hole, oh yes. This shall be to the glory of Voltan.


Day 331: Who shall bring forth deliverance?

Voltan cherishes the English language in its infinite richness. Its heroes: Shakespeare, Milton, Blake and Cooper. Its poems and songs. Its depth of synonyms. Its portmanteaux. Its pickings from all over the world. Words such as crabapple and blancmange bring pleasure.

Unless, of course, they are uttered in swift succession by Zane when announcing the evening's menu. That his febrile mind should concoct such a dish is not surprising, but Voltan cannot imagine where he found the necessary fruit and eggs. Voltan put this to Zane over a quivering spoonful.

'From Mr Tidy,' was his reply.

'And who is Mr Tidy?'

'Little bloke, comes round in a little boat. Sells all sorts off the back. Sort of a mobile, marine grocer.'

Voltan groaned. Super Secret Sea-Base Beta had been compromised yet again. 'What next? Newspapers and milk delivered in the morning? A chat with the postie over a morning coffee?'

'Well, it's a bit...'

'This is not suburbia! This is a secret, evil, ocean-based lair! It is supposed to be self-sufficient! It is supposed to be secret!'

Zane, taken aback, said nothing.

'And yet, thanks to you, our cover is blown so wide open that little people have started to view us as a commercial opportunity! What have you got to say for yourself?'

Zane fidgeted with his blancmange. 'Wasn't me,' he said. 'It was Bibi that asked him if he could get us some stuff in.'

'Miss Billingbrox? How has she had contact with the outside world?'

'She saw him out of her porthole and, sort of, shouted down.'

'Saw him out of her porthole?'

'Yeah, he was on his round, see?'

A sinking feeling gripped Voltan's stomach. 'His round?'

'Yeah. He delivers to some of the other sea-bases round here too.'


Day 330: Underachieving

Zane is soon to submit to testing in order to obtain his level 4 certificate in evil sidekickery. Success would allow Zane to progress from goon to flunky. Voltan feels Zane has not been making all he could of his life, and so has endeavored to prepare him for this assessment. For example, Voltan has put Zane through mock examinations.

'Question 4. You have captured your nemesis's child and its pet. What is the correct course of action?'

'Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I know this one!'

'Be still. You look as if you need the toilet. I will deduct points for mincing.'

'You should... er... be really nasty to the pet.'

'Really nasty?'

'Yeah, like, perhaps give it water instead of milk.'

'I suggest you try something more evil.'

'Um... kick it? You know, um, a bit.'

Zane hopes one day to be a henchman. Voltan knows this to be impossible. It is such a disappointment to Voltan. Without improvement, how can Voltan ever hope to palm Zane off on another unfortunate employer?


Day 329: Control

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, the sale of alcohol shall be strictly controlled via a monopoly. This shall be modeled upon Systembolaget of Sweden.

Perhaps you think this is because Voltan wishes the little people to be more efficient, or less violent or some such. It is for no such reason. Voltan merely wishes to vex others. Ha ha ha ha ha!

What? You know Voltan is evil.