Day 342: Is this goodbye?

Yes. Yes it is.

Voltan no longer has the time necessary for the upkeep of this Evilscope transmission. It is Voltan's sincere hope that the little people have enjoyed reading it as much as Voltan has enjoyed writing it.

Communication may be renewed when Voltan is lord and ruler of all.

P.S. In order to quell certain rumours, Voltan hereby avers that Voltan is not Scaryduck. Nor is Voltan Bummero. So there.


Day 336: Activity at last

There has been too much talk of late. Voltan has grown complacent in isolation aboard Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. The time for action has arrived.

A submersible awaits by the super secret underwater exit. Voltan shall pilot the craft to an island rendezvous. There Voltan shall harbour it in Voltan's secret tropical outpost (little more than a leafy marine lock-up, to be honest, but there's no harm in sounding impressive) and transfer to a surface vessel.

Voltan's destination is secret, naturally. Zane is to accompany Voltan, while Miss Billingbrox shall remain aboard the Sea-Base. All communications equipment shall of necessity be deactivated until Voltan returns.


Day 335: Hot

It is unseasonably warm upon Super-Secret Sea-Base Beta and yet the heating is on at full power. For reasons unknown to Voltan the system is set to the calendar. Thus on 21 October the heating is turned on, and it stays on until 21 April. This happens regardless of the weather.

When Voltan is lord and ruler this practice shall be banned. No more sweltering in shirtsleeves in autumn. No more shivering in woollens in spring. The heating shall be turned on only when it is needed. This shall be to the betterment of Voltan.

After allowing Voltan to sweat all weekend—metaphorically this time—Zane has revealed that his tale of Mr Tidy the delivery man was but a jest. No doubt Miss Billingbrox put him up to it. Voltan is relieved to learn that there are no other secret sea-bases in the area. However, Voltan still does not know where Zane found the eggs and crab apples.


Day 332: Increasing handicap

The governments of the Western world vaunt democracy as their greatest export and the root of their success. It is Voltan's opinion that this is but window dressing. The West is commercial, corporatist and entirely dependent upon the wage-slavery of its population.

Bring down its businesses, and its governments shall follow. This shall be achieved without the need to confront its armed forces. Therefore, Voltan shall sow death and terror among the business leaders of the Western World.

Voltan shall do this with explosive golf balls and poisoned tees. Voltan shall pass deadly electric currents through the flag poles in each hole. Ha ha! And Voltan shall keep something special in store for the 19th hole, oh yes. This shall be to the glory of Voltan.


Day 331: Who shall bring forth deliverance?

Voltan cherishes the English language in its infinite richness. Its heroes: Shakespeare, Milton, Blake and Cooper. Its poems and songs. Its depth of synonyms. Its portmanteaux. Its pickings from all over the world. Words such as crabapple and blancmange bring pleasure.

Unless, of course, they are uttered in swift succession by Zane when announcing the evening's menu. That his febrile mind should concoct such a dish is not surprising, but Voltan cannot imagine where he found the necessary fruit and eggs. Voltan put this to Zane over a quivering spoonful.

'From Mr Tidy,' was his reply.

'And who is Mr Tidy?'

'Little bloke, comes round in a little boat. Sells all sorts off the back. Sort of a mobile, marine grocer.'

Voltan groaned. Super Secret Sea-Base Beta had been compromised yet again. 'What next? Newspapers and milk delivered in the morning? A chat with the postie over a morning coffee?'

'Well, it's a bit...'

'This is not suburbia! This is a secret, evil, ocean-based lair! It is supposed to be self-sufficient! It is supposed to be secret!'

Zane, taken aback, said nothing.

'And yet, thanks to you, our cover is blown so wide open that little people have started to view us as a commercial opportunity! What have you got to say for yourself?'

Zane fidgeted with his blancmange. 'Wasn't me,' he said. 'It was Bibi that asked him if he could get us some stuff in.'

'Miss Billingbrox? How has she had contact with the outside world?'

'She saw him out of her porthole and, sort of, shouted down.'

'Saw him out of her porthole?'

'Yeah, he was on his round, see?'

A sinking feeling gripped Voltan's stomach. 'His round?'

'Yeah. He delivers to some of the other sea-bases round here too.'


Day 330: Underachieving

Zane is soon to submit to testing in order to obtain his level 4 certificate in evil sidekickery. Success would allow Zane to progress from goon to flunky. Voltan feels Zane has not been making all he could of his life, and so has endeavored to prepare him for this assessment. For example, Voltan has put Zane through mock examinations.

'Question 4. You have captured your nemesis's child and its pet. What is the correct course of action?'

'Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I know this one!'

'Be still. You look as if you need the toilet. I will deduct points for mincing.'

'You should... er... be really nasty to the pet.'

'Really nasty?'

'Yeah, like, perhaps give it water instead of milk.'

'I suggest you try something more evil.'

'Um... kick it? You know, um, a bit.'

Zane hopes one day to be a henchman. Voltan knows this to be impossible. It is such a disappointment to Voltan. Without improvement, how can Voltan ever hope to palm Zane off on another unfortunate employer?


Day 329: Control

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, the sale of alcohol shall be strictly controlled via a monopoly. This shall be modeled upon Systembolaget of Sweden.

Perhaps you think this is because Voltan wishes the little people to be more efficient, or less violent or some such. It is for no such reason. Voltan merely wishes to vex others. Ha ha ha ha ha!

What? You know Voltan is evil.


Day 328: Zap, a return

It has not escaped Voltan's notice that extensive systems of surveillance cameras have become commonplace in large population centres.

Voltan shall subvert these systems and install lasers in the cameras. Then Voltan shall wrest control of the systems from their operators. The power or remote-controlled death shall be at Voltan's fingertips. This shall be to the glory of Voltan!


Day 325, later: Fun

Ha! It is Friday the 13th. Again. Tremble with fear!

Zane has admitted to paraskavedekatriaphobia, the idiot. Voltan shall strew his path with ladders and precariously-balanced mirrors. Then Voltan shall observe his panic. Ha ha ha! This shall please Voltan!

Perhaps, to add a further element to the afternoon's fun, Voltan shall also put some spiders into Miss Billingbrox's hair. Ha ha ha!

Voltan is playful today.

An aside: Voltan applauds the Swedish custom of setting fire to one another on Friday 13th.

Day 325: Voltan makes the world go around

Money is a key to many doors. Voltan is sure that someone has already said this. No matter! Henceforth you may strike their pitiful names from your dictionaries of quotations and replace them with Voltan.

Voltan makes lots of money. Voltan is not going to talk about Voltan's money-laundering, stoozing or careful management of funds via a series of tax-efficient savings and investment vehicles. Voltan makes lots of money in the same way as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea makes lots of money: by printing $100 bills. This pleases Voltan!

Voltan has developed a network of skilled counterfeiters able to forge the banknotes of any nation state. Ha! Voltan shall use this money to destabilise the world's economies by flooding them with currency. This shall be to the glory of Voltan.

The counterfeiters shall have a second role once Voltan is lord and ruler: they shall produce a new currency, to be issued by Voltan. Who better to protect against forgeries than those who would otherwise be doing the forging? Voltan shall smite those who refuse, or who resume their habit of illicit minting.

Voltan is cunning and wise!


Day 324: Welcome to Voltan's network

When Voltan is lord and ruler certain advances in mobile telephony shall be undone. Specifically, the capability to play music files through the telephone speaker shall be removed. No longer shall the top deck of buses be subject to the latest downloaded drivel. Instead, bus journeys shall be given over to quiet contemplation of the glory of Voltan.

Moreover, ringtones shall be regulated and subject to strict quality controls. No more ba-ding-ding-ding. Ever.


Day 323: Ham-fisted radio

As Bob Hoskins would have it: it's good to talk. Voltan has noted Miss Billingbrox's determination to contact the outside world. At times she reminds Voltan of that stumpy little fellow with the finger, such is her desire to phone home. This has presented Voltan with an opportunity to regain Miss Billingbrox's trust (and thereby progress with Voltan's plan): Voltan would allow Miss Billingbrox to contact the outside world!

Of course, Voltan cannot actually allow her to do so. Instead, Voltan decided to use a cunning recording so that it would appear that Miss Billingbrox had done so, without risking her divulging any sensitive information. Voltan had written the script and had Zane record it, disguising his voice by placing a sock over the microphone. Now it was set to play back through the disconnected radio, with pauses for Miss Billingbrox to speak in.

Miss Billingbrox was unsure when Voltan told her she was permitted to use the short-wave radio, but soon her enthusiasm overtook her. She sat at the desk and began jabbing at buttons on the set.

'Hello? Hello? This is Bibi Billingbrox. Is anyone receiving, over?'

There was static. This was part of Voltan's plan. Miss Billingbrox turned the tuning dial.

'Hello, is anyone receiving? Over.'

'This is mmmmphlanmph.... krrrrring you faintly. Over,' came the reply.

Miss Billingbrox grew excited.

'Hello!' she bellowed. 'This is Bibi Billingbrox, fro...'

'Krrrrbrox, what is your position? Krrrrr.'

'Hello, I'm...'

'I see. Wait there, Miss Krrrrrmmphrrrr, and we'll krrrrrr.'

At this point Voltan became vexed. The idiot Zane had not left long enough pauses.

Miss Billingbrox turned to Voltan. 'What's going on?' she said.

'Krrres, yes, we quite understand. Everything will be fkrrrrrrrmmpph,' the radio continued.

'That's a recording, isn't it?'

At this Voltan spluttered somewhat. 'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Yes, Miss Billingbrox, as soon as you get back to the mainland. Over. Krrr.'

Miss Billingbrox glared at Voltan.

'Krrrnk you, Miss Billingbrox. And to you too. Okrrrmmpphrrrnd out.'

There the recording ended, and with it Voltan's hopes of beguiling Miss Billingbrox.


Day 322: Il communication

That uppity popinjay Kim Jong-Il has been throwing his weight around of late. This vexes Voltan. Just because he has a whole country, whereas Voltan only has Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, he thinks he's already halfway there. But it is a crappy country. Everyone knows that. If Mr Kim believes he can achieve world domination before Voltan, he shall have another think coming.

Apparently Kimg Jon-Il's birth, to Kim Jong-Suk, was foretold by a swallow. However, suck and swallow do not a birth make. Voltan smells a rat. Ha ha ha. Perhaps the rat had something to do with it. Ha ha ha.

Bah! Enough of this. Voltan is not scared of Kim's bargain-basement nukes. Voltan shall unleash substance 3xb upon North Korea. Just as soon as Voltan has discovered it.


Day 321: Frisky

What is Voltan to do with Trinny and Susannah once they fall into Voltan's hands, as surely they shall during Voltan's ascent to world domination? Should Voltan have them shot and buried in shallow graves? Or, on the other hand, should Voltan indulge in sexual intercourse with one or both of them?

Voltan is not even sure that these two options are mutually exclusive.

Voltan suspects the fat one would be more accommodating, but that the thin one would perhaps give a more spirited performance.

However, neither of them is a patch on Anthea Turner.


Day 318: Jazz hands!

Voltan shall flood Broadway and the West End with a series of musicals so unrelentingly tawdry that the theatre business shall collapse.

This shall force many thousands of feckless thespians into the labour market. Once working in proper jobs they shall cause untold damage to the economies of the world.

Businesses shall fail, and workers shall fear for their homes as rent and mortgages go unpaid.

Thus shall the ground be prepared for Voltan's rise to power.


Day 317: Remedy

The time has come to deal with Miss Billingbrox.

Voltan is partly to blame for this situation. Voltan should not have become distracted by plotting the path to world domination. Voltan should have acted quickly and decisively. Alas Voltan was remiss in this respect, and now Miss Billingbrox has learnt too much from Zane, and possibly led him astray. Moreover, she has been a drain on resources with her endless demands for food, heating and so on. Also, Voltan needs to get into the sump room in order to perform maintenance.

The plan of action is as follows: Voltan shall dispatch Zane to refresh the anti-rust paint on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's outer cladding. While he is thus occupied, Voltan shall take Miss Billingbrox away on the Octavius, under the pretence that she is to be returned whence she came. Voltan shall navigate some distance from the Sea-Base until it has disappeared beneath the horizon. (Voltan suspects that Zane, the love-struck fool, may well abandon his duties to observe through the telescope Miss Billingbrox's departure.) Then Voltan shall smite Miss Billingbrox and dump her body overboard.

In order for this to work Voltan must have Miss Billingbrox's trust. Voltan shall begin to regain this trust by allowing her to leave the sump room and attend our gathering around the Evilscope for movie night. Tonight the viewing choice is Voltan's. We shall be watching Key Largo with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.


Day 316: On a small vessel

Yesterday Voltan left Super Secret Sea-Base Beta in the Octavius, a 22-foot centre console boat that Voltan uses for sea-borne maintenance and tender duties. It was the former that occupied Voltan's morning. Normally Voltan would send Zane out on the monthly barnacle scrape. However, Voltan required a change of scenery. The endless hours spent upon Super-Secret Sea Base Beta had been playing somewhat on Voltan's mind. Voltan shall soon make a trip to dry land before cabin fever sets in.

Voltan named the Octavius after a ghost ship, thereby playing on Zane's fearful and superstitious nature in order to discourage him from ever taking the craft out of sight of the Sea-Base. Thus, should Zane ever turn against Voltan, he shall not dare use it as a means of escape. It pays to think of every eventuality.


Day 315: Plan for a slave army

Voltan requires cheap, plentiful and expendable labour. Voltan has resolved to meet this requirement with convicts, students and the unemployed. This shall have additional benefits: prison overcrowding shall be eliminated; a potentially hostile intelligentsia shall not be allowed to renew itself, and shall eventually wither; the feckless shall no longer litter the streets nor impose a financial burden upon society.

This work force shall be kept separate from, and subordinate to, Voltan's principal armed forces.


Day 314: Font fatwa... a fontwa

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Comic Sans MS shall be obliterated from the face of the earth except for two instances:

1) In a museum, akin to the Black Museum. Its purpose to chill, warn and prohibit.

2) It shall be used on the death warrants of Voltan's enemies. Ha ha.