Day 328: Zap, a return

It has not escaped Voltan's notice that extensive systems of surveillance cameras have become commonplace in large population centres.

Voltan shall subvert these systems and install lasers in the cameras. Then Voltan shall wrest control of the systems from their operators. The power or remote-controlled death shall be at Voltan's fingertips. This shall be to the glory of Voltan!

Day 325, later: Fun

Ha! It is Friday the 13th. Again. Tremble with fear!

Zane has admitted to paraskavedekatriaphobia, the idiot. Voltan shall strew his path with ladders and precariously-balanced mirrors. Then Voltan shall observe his panic. Ha ha ha! This shall please Voltan!

Perhaps, to add a further element to the afternoon's fun, Voltan shall also put some spiders into Miss Billingbrox's hair. Ha ha ha!

Voltan is playful today.

An aside: Voltan applauds the Swedish custom of setting fire to one another on Friday 13th.

Day 325: Voltan makes the world go around

Money is a key to many doors. Voltan is sure that someone has already said this. No matter! Henceforth you may strike their pitiful names from your dictionaries of quotations and replace them with Voltan.

Voltan makes lots of money. Voltan is not going to talk about Voltan's money-laundering, stoozing or careful management of funds via a series of tax-efficient savings and investment vehicles. Voltan makes lots of money in the same way as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea makes lots of money: by printing $100 bills. This pleases Voltan!

Voltan has developed a network of skilled counterfeiters able to forge the banknotes of any nation state. Ha! Voltan shall use this money to destabilise the world's economies by flooding them with currency. This shall be to the glory of Voltan.

The counterfeiters shall have a second role once Voltan is lord and ruler: they shall produce a new currency, to be issued by Voltan. Who better to protect against forgeries than those who would otherwise be doing the forging? Voltan shall smite those who refuse, or who resume their habit of illicit minting.

Voltan is cunning and wise!

Day 324: Welcome to Voltan's network

When Voltan is lord and ruler certain advances in mobile telephony shall be undone. Specifically, the capability to play music files through the telephone speaker shall be removed. No longer shall the top deck of buses be subject to the latest downloaded drivel. Instead, bus journeys shall be given over to quiet contemplation of the glory of Voltan.

Moreover, ringtones shall be regulated and subject to strict quality controls. No more ba-ding-ding-ding. Ever.

Day 323: Ham-fisted radio

As Bob Hoskins would have it: it's good to talk. Voltan has noted Miss Billingbrox's determination to contact the outside world. At times she reminds Voltan of that stumpy little fellow with the finger, such is her desire to phone home. This has presented Voltan with an opportunity to regain Miss Billingbrox's trust (and thereby progress with Voltan's plan): Voltan would allow Miss Billingbrox to contact the outside world!

Of course, Voltan cannot actually allow her to do so. Instead, Voltan decided to use a cunning recording so that it would appear that Miss Billingbrox had done so, without risking her divulging any sensitive information. Voltan had written the script and had Zane record it, disguising his voice by placing a sock over the microphone. Now it was set to play back through the disconnected radio, with pauses for Miss Billingbrox to speak in.

Miss Billingbrox was unsure when Voltan told her she was permitted to use the short-wave radio, but soon her enthusiasm overtook her. She sat at the desk and began jabbing at buttons on the set.

'Hello? Hello? This is Bibi Billingbrox. Is anyone receiving, over?'

There was static. This was part of Voltan's plan. Miss Billingbrox turned the tuning dial.

'Hello, is anyone receiving? Over.'

'This is mmmmphlanmph.... krrrrring you faintly. Over,' came the reply.

Miss Billingbrox grew excited.

'Hello!' she bellowed. 'This is Bibi Billingbrox, fro...'

'Krrrrbrox, what is your position? Krrrrr.'

'Hello, I'm...'

'I see. Wait there, Miss Krrrrrmmphrrrr, and we'll krrrrrr.'

At this point Voltan became vexed. The idiot Zane had not left long enough pauses.

Miss Billingbrox turned to Voltan. 'What's going on?' she said.

'Krrres, yes, we quite understand. Everything will be fkrrrrrrrmmpph,' the radio continued.

'That's a recording, isn't it?'

At this Voltan spluttered somewhat. 'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Yes, Miss Billingbrox, as soon as you get back to the mainland. Over. Krrr.'

Miss Billingbrox glared at Voltan.

'Krrrnk you, Miss Billingbrox. And to you too. Okrrrmmpphrrrnd out.'

There the recording ended, and with it Voltan's hopes of beguiling Miss Billingbrox.

Day 322: Il communication

That uppity popinjay Kim Jong-Il has been throwing his weight around of late. This vexes Voltan. Just because he has a whole country, whereas Voltan only has Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, he thinks he's already halfway there. But it is a crappy country. Everyone knows that. If Mr Kim believes he can achieve world domination before Voltan, he shall have another think coming.

Apparently Kimg Jon-Il's birth, to Kim Jong-Suk, was foretold by a swallow. However, suck and swallow do not a birth make. Voltan smells a rat. Ha ha ha. Perhaps the rat had something to do with it. Ha ha ha.

Bah! Enough of this. Voltan is not scared of Kim's bargain-basement nukes. Voltan shall unleash substance 3xb upon North Korea. Just as soon as Voltan has discovered it.

Day 321: Frisky

What is Voltan to do with Trinny and Susannah once they fall into Voltan's hands, as surely they shall during Voltan's ascent to world domination? Should Voltan have them shot and buried in shallow graves? Or, on the other hand, should Voltan indulge in sexual intercourse with one or both of them?

Voltan is not even sure that these two options are mutually exclusive.

Voltan suspects the fat one would be more accommodating, but that the thin one would perhaps give a more spirited performance.

However, neither of them is a patch on Anthea Turner.

Day 318: Jazz hands!

Voltan shall flood Broadway and the West End with a series of musicals so unrelentingly tawdry that the theatre business shall collapse.

This shall force many thousands of feckless thespians into the labour market. Once working in proper jobs they shall cause untold damage to the economies of the world.

Businesses shall fail, and workers shall fear for their homes as rent and mortgages go unpaid.

Thus shall the ground be prepared for Voltan's rise to power.

Day 317: Remedy

The time has come to deal with Miss Billingbrox.

Voltan is partly to blame for this situation. Voltan should not have become distracted by plotting the path to world domination. Voltan should have acted quickly and decisively. Alas Voltan was remiss in this respect, and now Miss Billingbrox has learnt too much from Zane, and possibly led him astray. Moreover, she has been a drain on resources with her endless demands for food, heating and so on. Also, Voltan needs to get into the sump room in order to perform maintenance.

The plan of action is as follows: Voltan shall dispatch Zane to refresh the anti-rust paint on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's outer cladding. While he is thus occupied, Voltan shall take Miss Billingbrox away on the Octavius, under the pretence that she is to be returned whence she came. Voltan shall navigate some distance from the Sea-Base until it has disappeared beneath the horizon. (Voltan suspects that Zane, the love-struck fool, may well abandon his duties to observe through the telescope Miss Billingbrox's departure.) Then Voltan shall smite Miss Billingbrox and dump her body overboard.

In order for this to work Voltan must have Miss Billingbrox's trust. Voltan shall begin to regain this trust by allowing her to leave the sump room and attend our gathering around the Evilscope for movie night. Tonight the viewing choice is Voltan's. We shall be watching Key Largo with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

Day 316: On a small vessel

Yesterday Voltan left Super Secret Sea-Base Beta in the Octavius, a 22-foot centre console boat that Voltan uses for sea-borne maintenance and tender duties. It was the former that occupied Voltan's morning. Normally Voltan would send Zane out on the monthly barnacle scrape. However, Voltan required a change of scenery. The endless hours spent upon Super-Secret Sea Base Beta had been playing somewhat on Voltan's mind. Voltan shall soon make a trip to dry land before cabin fever sets in.

Voltan named the Octavius after a ghost ship, thereby playing on Zane's fearful and superstitious nature in order to discourage him from ever taking the craft out of sight of the Sea-Base. Thus, should Zane ever turn against Voltan, he shall not dare use it as a means of escape. It pays to think of every eventuality.

Day 315: Plan for a slave army

Voltan requires cheap, plentiful and expendable labour. Voltan has resolved to meet this requirement with convicts, students and the unemployed. This shall have additional benefits: prison overcrowding shall be eliminated; a potentially hostile intelligentsia shall not be allowed to renew itself, and shall eventually wither; the feckless shall no longer litter the streets nor impose a financial burden upon society.

This work force shall be kept separate from, and subordinate to, Voltan's principal armed forces.

Day 314: Font fatwa... a fontwa

When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Comic Sans MS shall be obliterated from the face of the earth except for two instances:

1) In a museum, akin to the Black Museum. Its purpose to chill, warn and prohibit.

2) It shall be used on the death warrants of Voltan's enemies. Ha ha.

Day 311: Loose lips

What has become of Miss Billingbrox? You may well wonder. Voltan too has had reason to ask this question, as Zane's reports have become increasingly vague of late. Voltan suspects Zane wishes to dissemble the extent of his relationship with the girl.

Last night Voltan adjudged the time had come to observe an interaction between the pair. Voltan spied from a shady nook as Zane delivered Miss Billingbrox's evening meal, and witnessed the following exchange:

Zane (henceforth, Z): I managed to get you some potted pork to go with your gruel.

Miss Billingbrox (henceforth, B): Potted pork?

Z: Yeh, s'what he eats on Mondays.

B: But today's Wednesday...

Z: Sometimes he likes it cold on a Tuesday.

B: [Inaudible] weird. Why does he insist on eating such bizarre food?

Z: Dunno, maybe it's, like, because he's from somewhere foreign.

B: Where's he from?

Z: Dunno... not here. I know that.

B: But where's here?

Z: Dunno, really. Like, near Scotland maybe, I think.

B: But that can't be right, I... Never mind. Listen, Zane, you're such a sweetheart.

Z: [Inaudible, but the tone suggested pleasure.]

B: No really, and so brave too, getting me food and the pencils and everything.

Z: I'd do anything for you, Bibi.

B: I know Zane, that's why I wanted to ask you: do you think you could get the key to this door?

Voltan had heard enough. The casual exchange of confidential information vexed Voltan most sorely. Granted, it was tempered somewhat by Zane's stupidity (Scotland! Ha!) but he was clearly bewitched by the girl. Voltan retired to the comfort of the map room, partly in order to block access to the key cabinet and partly to plan what to do about Zane.

Day 310: Fog fug

A sea mist has risen up today. It cuts Super Secret Sea-Base Beta off from the world. The sea is flat with almost no swell at all. There is no movement. No sound. Nothing but flat, milky light.

A listless mood has arisen within Voltan as if to mirror the weather. Voltan spent much of the morning in a brooding torpor. After some time Voltan grew restless and began to fidget, picking rust off rivets and opening and shutting the map room door to hear the hinges squeal.

It is in such moments that Voltan falls prey to fears and misgivings. But it does not do to dwell upon them. One must be resolute if one wishes to take over the world.

Day 309: Zap!

Throughout the developed world the proportion of households equipped with microwave ovens is approaching 90%. Voltan shall exploit their explosive potential.

Voltan's forces shall target the distribution chain of microwave ready meals, replacing normal product for special doctored items identically packaged. These doctored meals shall contain a large amount of metal wrapped in poisons and/or bio-warfare toxins. These meals shall be sold as normal through retail stores to the unsuspecting populous, who shall proceed to microwave them. Once inside a microwave oven the metal shall cause the meal to explode, thereby contaminating the microwave with poison and spreading lethal toxins into the victim's home. Many such meals shall be sold before the risk becomes known. Thereafter the disruption shall be immense. This pleases Voltan.

Day 308: The best money Voltan ever spent

What sort of person would risk their life to infiltrate an isolated marine fortress and leave empty handed? What sort of person, moreover, would advertise their visit by leaving a turd as a calling card? These questions have played on Voltan's mind ever since discovering the turd on day 303. Imagine, then, Voltan's reaction upon coming to a realisation: the perpetrator had not left empty handed, he or she had not left at all!

As soon as this idea occurred to Voltan, Voltan knew it to be true. Voltan acted at once. Zane was dispatched to search the upper areas of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, while Voltan descended to the bottom. We were to work our way towards the middle and rendezvous in the radar room. It was not long before Voltan's hunch was proved correct.

Turning a corner Voltan found a shadowy figure meddling with a panel behind which runs Evilscope subroutine and surround-sound wiring. The fellow was intent upon his task and did not notice Voltan. He appeared to be unarmed, but Voltan wasted no time in confirming this. Voltan leapt upon the blackguard and smote him hard upon the head. Then came an uppercut to the jaw, an elbow to the bridge of the nose, knee to the groin, kick to the ankles, stamp on the head and kick in the face. Within moments he was lying motionless on the floor bleeding somewhat. Voltan then bound him at the wrists, knees and ankles before calling Zane. When Zane arrived we carried him to the shark pit and flung him in. He was swiftly eaten. Voltan then retired to the galley and enjoyed a cup of tea.

As you can see, Voltan has benefited from the evening course Voltan took some years ago: Ego-management for Supervillains, in which instructions were given on the deleterious effects of grandstanding when combating enemies. Thus no speeches, no explanation of impending doom, no waiting for consciousness to return before delivering coups de grace. Voltan considers the fee to be money well spent.

Day 307: Another list of the superlativest items ever

Next comes number 32 on Voltan's list of hated things: punditry. Voltan remembers, when Voltan was a youngster, how everything was better. Voltan shall now reminisce in a trite manner about this item in such a way as to evoke memories without examining them any further. No doubt you remember the item the same way too. So now we shall laugh gently at a shared recollection of past foibles and/or lost glory. Ah me, ah my. Wasn't it?

No! Voltan shall smite these brainless nobodies! They clog up the Evilscope without remorse. Again and again the same teeth appear surrounded by the same faces, jumping about in an obscene dance with the lips and tongue to form the same words over and over again. Shallow prattle. The sound of oxygen being wasted.

Voltan shall smite them! Smite their shows from the televisual schedules, smite these people from the planet and smite those who continue to comission them from ever having existed. There shall be no place for punditry in Voltan's new world order. No place even its history.

Time for a short break now. When Voltan returns, everything shall be better.

Day 304: Down with the kids

Indolent youth do not trouble Voltan. There are very few such to be found upon the high seas. However, Voltan is aware that street corners in many a town in many a nation state are troubled by accretions of disaffected teenagers. However, hulking hormonal monsters are not a menace, they are a resource waiting to be tapped. Voltan shall set them to work administering vicious beatings.

The young have no conscience and little inclination to think for themselves. More importantly, they shall be keen to make their way in the new world oder under Voltan's rule, whereas the older population has more to lose by Voltan's rise to power. Voltan shall use this underage army to cow the older population. Ha!

Voltan shall distribute free 'hoodies' bearing natty insignia. Loyalty to Voltan shall be absolute.

Day 303: Stool

Super Secret Sea-Base Beta may be shabby and ill-equipped, but Voltan endeavours to keep it clean none the less. Voltan cannot abide mess: it interferes with the planning and execution of evil plots to take over the world.

Voltan often makes inspections of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, noting cleaning and maintenance tasks that require attention. This Voltan does by mid-morning. Voltan then outlines to Zane what action is to be taken. Granted, Zane does not always perform to Voltan's high standards, but the shortfall is usually of a tolerable level.

Since Miss Billingbrox arrived and turned his head, however, standards have been slipping. This morning Voltan was strolling between the shark tank and the boiler room—idly wondering whether fitting lasers to the sharks' heads had been such a good idea after all—when Voltan was abruptly shaken by the sight of a human turd occupying the middle of the corridor.

Voltan is rarely given to swearing but did so liberally on this occasion. What was a human turd doing here? It was quite sizeable, and glistened slightly in the red glow from the sharks' activity. This vexed Voltan. It was offensive. It was smelly. It was on the floor. It coiled slightly at one tapered end. The other end was more rounded and bulged most unpleasantly.

Upon closer inspection the turd appeared still to be quite fresh. It must have been laid some time last night. But toilets are plentiful on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta and are all functioning properly. Voltan could not understand why this had come to pass, or to whom it could be attributed.

There were of course only two suspects. Miss Billingbrox hotly denied Voltan's suggestion that she had performed a dirty protest, and in her defence pointed to her continued incarceration in the sump room. She then demanded she be released. (Moreover, she was abusive and made improper remarks regarding Voltan's private life. This Voltan chose to ignore for the time being. Voltan shall smite her for it later, however.)

Zane too denied being the author of this outrage. And Voltan must admit that it does seem unlikely. Under Voltan's orders Zane spent last night scraping the barnacles from the super secret underwater exit.

Voltan is perplexed. Voltan has cordoned the area off and shall investigate further.

Day 302: Spidergeddon

Voltan has learnt that there are many spiders on the mainland at the moment. This is a result of favourable climactic conditions over the previous twelve months.

Voltan wonders whether it is possible to reconfigure the Evilscope to transmit on a frequency they can hear. The arachnid legions are currently sowing fear in a most inefficient manner. With Voltan's co-ordination and guidance they could cause terror and panic in the cities of the world. Moreover, they could entangle military and law-enforcement targets in their webs. Then conditions would be ripe for Voltan's sweep to power.

Voltan can picture them now scuttling majestically along major thoroughfares and sweeping across the facades of national monuments. There shall be no glass large enough to cover them, no card powerful enough to slide under them! They shall conquer all for Voltan!

This pleases Voltan.