Day 303: Stool

Super Secret Sea-Base Beta may be shabby and ill-equipped, but Voltan endeavours to keep it clean none the less. Voltan cannot abide mess: it interferes with the planning and execution of evil plots to take over the world.

Voltan often makes inspections of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, noting cleaning and maintenance tasks that require attention. This Voltan does by mid-morning. Voltan then outlines to Zane what action is to be taken. Granted, Zane does not always perform to Voltan's high standards, but the shortfall is usually of a tolerable level.

Since Miss Billingbrox arrived and turned his head, however, standards have been slipping. This morning Voltan was strolling between the shark tank and the boiler room—idly wondering whether fitting lasers to the sharks' heads had been such a good idea after all—when Voltan was abruptly shaken by the sight of a human turd occupying the middle of the corridor.

Voltan is rarely given to swearing but did so liberally on this occasion. What was a human turd doing here? It was quite sizeable, and glistened slightly in the red glow from the sharks' activity. This vexed Voltan. It was offensive. It was smelly. It was on the floor. It coiled slightly at one tapered end. The other end was more rounded and bulged most unpleasantly.

Upon closer inspection the turd appeared still to be quite fresh. It must have been laid some time last night. But toilets are plentiful on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta and are all functioning properly. Voltan could not understand why this had come to pass, or to whom it could be attributed.

There were of course only two suspects. Miss Billingbrox hotly denied Voltan's suggestion that she had performed a dirty protest, and in her defence pointed to her continued incarceration in the sump room. She then demanded she be released. (Moreover, she was abusive and made improper remarks regarding Voltan's private life. This Voltan chose to ignore for the time being. Voltan shall smite her for it later, however.)

Zane too denied being the author of this outrage. And Voltan must admit that it does seem unlikely. Under Voltan's orders Zane spent last night scraping the barnacles from the super secret underwater exit.

Voltan is perplexed. Voltan has cordoned the area off and shall investigate further.