What has become of Miss Billingbrox? You may well wonder. Voltan too has had reason to ask this question, as Zane's reports have become increasingly vague of late. Voltan suspects Zane wishes to dissemble the extent of his relationship with the girl.
Last night Voltan adjudged the time had come to observe an interaction between the pair. Voltan spied from a shady nook as Zane delivered Miss Billingbrox's evening meal, and witnessed the following exchange:
Zane (henceforth, Z): I managed to get you some potted pork to go with your gruel.
Miss Billingbrox (henceforth, B): Potted pork?
Z: Yeh, s'what he eats on Mondays.
B: But today's Wednesday...
Z: Sometimes he likes it cold on a Tuesday.
B: [Inaudible] weird. Why does he insist on eating such bizarre food?
Z: Dunno, maybe it's, like, because he's from somewhere foreign.
B: Where's he from?
Z: Dunno... not here. I know that.
B: But where's here?
Z: Dunno, really. Like, near Scotland maybe, I think.
B: But that can't be right, I... Never mind. Listen, Zane, you're such a sweetheart.
Z: [Inaudible, but the tone suggested pleasure.]
B: No really, and so brave too, getting me food and the pencils and everything.
Z: I'd do anything for you, Bibi.
B: I know Zane, that's why I wanted to ask you: do you think you could get the key to this door?
Voltan had heard enough. The casual exchange of confidential information vexed Voltan most sorely. Granted, it was tempered somewhat by Zane's stupidity (Scotland! Ha!) but he was clearly bewitched by the girl. Voltan retired to the comfort of the map room, partly in order to block access to the key cabinet and partly to plan what to do about Zane.
Friday
Thursday
Day 310: Fog fug
A sea mist has risen up today. It cuts Super Secret Sea-Base Beta off from the world. The sea is flat with almost no swell at all. There is no movement. No sound. Nothing but flat, milky light.
A listless mood has arisen within Voltan as if to mirror the weather. Voltan spent much of the morning in a brooding torpor. After some time Voltan grew restless and began to fidget, picking rust off rivets and opening and shutting the map room door to hear the hinges squeal.
It is in such moments that Voltan falls prey to fears and misgivings. But it does not do to dwell upon them. One must be resolute if one wishes to take over the world.
A listless mood has arisen within Voltan as if to mirror the weather. Voltan spent much of the morning in a brooding torpor. After some time Voltan grew restless and began to fidget, picking rust off rivets and opening and shutting the map room door to hear the hinges squeal.
It is in such moments that Voltan falls prey to fears and misgivings. But it does not do to dwell upon them. One must be resolute if one wishes to take over the world.
Wednesday
Day 309: Zap!
Throughout the developed world the proportion of households equipped with microwave ovens is approaching 90%. Voltan shall exploit their explosive potential.
Voltan's forces shall target the distribution chain of microwave ready meals, replacing normal product for special doctored items identically packaged. These doctored meals shall contain a large amount of metal wrapped in poisons and/or bio-warfare toxins. These meals shall be sold as normal through retail stores to the unsuspecting populous, who shall proceed to microwave them. Once inside a microwave oven the metal shall cause the meal to explode, thereby contaminating the microwave with poison and spreading lethal toxins into the victim's home. Many such meals shall be sold before the risk becomes known. Thereafter the disruption shall be immense. This pleases Voltan.
Voltan's forces shall target the distribution chain of microwave ready meals, replacing normal product for special doctored items identically packaged. These doctored meals shall contain a large amount of metal wrapped in poisons and/or bio-warfare toxins. These meals shall be sold as normal through retail stores to the unsuspecting populous, who shall proceed to microwave them. Once inside a microwave oven the metal shall cause the meal to explode, thereby contaminating the microwave with poison and spreading lethal toxins into the victim's home. Many such meals shall be sold before the risk becomes known. Thereafter the disruption shall be immense. This pleases Voltan.
Tuesday
Day 308: The best money Voltan ever spent
What sort of person would risk their life to infiltrate an isolated marine fortress and leave empty handed? What sort of person, moreover, would advertise their visit by leaving a turd as a calling card? These questions have played on Voltan's mind ever since discovering the turd on day 303. Imagine, then, Voltan's reaction upon coming to a realisation: the perpetrator had not left empty handed, he or she had not left at all!
As soon as this idea occurred to Voltan, Voltan knew it to be true. Voltan acted at once. Zane was dispatched to search the upper areas of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, while Voltan descended to the bottom. We were to work our way towards the middle and rendezvous in the radar room. It was not long before Voltan's hunch was proved correct.
Turning a corner Voltan found a shadowy figure meddling with a panel behind which runs Evilscope subroutine and surround-sound wiring. The fellow was intent upon his task and did not notice Voltan. He appeared to be unarmed, but Voltan wasted no time in confirming this. Voltan leapt upon the blackguard and smote him hard upon the head. Then came an uppercut to the jaw, an elbow to the bridge of the nose, knee to the groin, kick to the ankles, stamp on the head and kick in the face. Within moments he was lying motionless on the floor bleeding somewhat. Voltan then bound him at the wrists, knees and ankles before calling Zane. When Zane arrived we carried him to the shark pit and flung him in. He was swiftly eaten. Voltan then retired to the galley and enjoyed a cup of tea.
As you can see, Voltan has benefited from the evening course Voltan took some years ago: Ego-management for Supervillains, in which instructions were given on the deleterious effects of grandstanding when combating enemies. Thus no speeches, no explanation of impending doom, no waiting for consciousness to return before delivering coups de grace. Voltan considers the fee to be money well spent.
As soon as this idea occurred to Voltan, Voltan knew it to be true. Voltan acted at once. Zane was dispatched to search the upper areas of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, while Voltan descended to the bottom. We were to work our way towards the middle and rendezvous in the radar room. It was not long before Voltan's hunch was proved correct.
Turning a corner Voltan found a shadowy figure meddling with a panel behind which runs Evilscope subroutine and surround-sound wiring. The fellow was intent upon his task and did not notice Voltan. He appeared to be unarmed, but Voltan wasted no time in confirming this. Voltan leapt upon the blackguard and smote him hard upon the head. Then came an uppercut to the jaw, an elbow to the bridge of the nose, knee to the groin, kick to the ankles, stamp on the head and kick in the face. Within moments he was lying motionless on the floor bleeding somewhat. Voltan then bound him at the wrists, knees and ankles before calling Zane. When Zane arrived we carried him to the shark pit and flung him in. He was swiftly eaten. Voltan then retired to the galley and enjoyed a cup of tea.
As you can see, Voltan has benefited from the evening course Voltan took some years ago: Ego-management for Supervillains, in which instructions were given on the deleterious effects of grandstanding when combating enemies. Thus no speeches, no explanation of impending doom, no waiting for consciousness to return before delivering coups de grace. Voltan considers the fee to be money well spent.
Monday
Day 307: Another list of the superlativest items ever
Next comes number 32 on Voltan's list of hated things: punditry. Voltan remembers, when Voltan was a youngster, how everything was better. Voltan shall now reminisce in a trite manner about this item in such a way as to evoke memories without examining them any further. No doubt you remember the item the same way too. So now we shall laugh gently at a shared recollection of past foibles and/or lost glory. Ah me, ah my. Wasn't it?
No! Voltan shall smite these brainless nobodies! They clog up the Evilscope without remorse. Again and again the same teeth appear surrounded by the same faces, jumping about in an obscene dance with the lips and tongue to form the same words over and over again. Shallow prattle. The sound of oxygen being wasted.
Voltan shall smite them! Smite their shows from the televisual schedules, smite these people from the planet and smite those who continue to comission them from ever having existed. There shall be no place for punditry in Voltan's new world order. No place even its history.
Time for a short break now. When Voltan returns, everything shall be better.
No! Voltan shall smite these brainless nobodies! They clog up the Evilscope without remorse. Again and again the same teeth appear surrounded by the same faces, jumping about in an obscene dance with the lips and tongue to form the same words over and over again. Shallow prattle. The sound of oxygen being wasted.
Voltan shall smite them! Smite their shows from the televisual schedules, smite these people from the planet and smite those who continue to comission them from ever having existed. There shall be no place for punditry in Voltan's new world order. No place even its history.
Time for a short break now. When Voltan returns, everything shall be better.
Friday
Day 304: Down with the kids
Indolent youth do not trouble Voltan. There are very few such to be found upon the high seas. However, Voltan is aware that street corners in many a town in many a nation state are troubled by accretions of disaffected teenagers. However, hulking hormonal monsters are not a menace, they are a resource waiting to be tapped. Voltan shall set them to work administering vicious beatings.
The young have no conscience and little inclination to think for themselves. More importantly, they shall be keen to make their way in the new world oder under Voltan's rule, whereas the older population has more to lose by Voltan's rise to power. Voltan shall use this underage army to cow the older population. Ha!
Voltan shall distribute free 'hoodies' bearing natty insignia. Loyalty to Voltan shall be absolute.
The young have no conscience and little inclination to think for themselves. More importantly, they shall be keen to make their way in the new world oder under Voltan's rule, whereas the older population has more to lose by Voltan's rise to power. Voltan shall use this underage army to cow the older population. Ha!
Voltan shall distribute free 'hoodies' bearing natty insignia. Loyalty to Voltan shall be absolute.
Thursday
Day 303: Stool
Super Secret Sea-Base Beta may be shabby and ill-equipped, but Voltan endeavours to keep it clean none the less. Voltan cannot abide mess: it interferes with the planning and execution of evil plots to take over the world.
Voltan often makes inspections of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, noting cleaning and maintenance tasks that require attention. This Voltan does by mid-morning. Voltan then outlines to Zane what action is to be taken. Granted, Zane does not always perform to Voltan's high standards, but the shortfall is usually of a tolerable level.
Since Miss Billingbrox arrived and turned his head, however, standards have been slipping. This morning Voltan was strolling between the shark tank and the boiler room—idly wondering whether fitting lasers to the sharks' heads had been such a good idea after all—when Voltan was abruptly shaken by the sight of a human turd occupying the middle of the corridor.
Voltan is rarely given to swearing but did so liberally on this occasion. What was a human turd doing here? It was quite sizeable, and glistened slightly in the red glow from the sharks' activity. This vexed Voltan. It was offensive. It was smelly. It was on the floor. It coiled slightly at one tapered end. The other end was more rounded and bulged most unpleasantly.
Upon closer inspection the turd appeared still to be quite fresh. It must have been laid some time last night. But toilets are plentiful on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta and are all functioning properly. Voltan could not understand why this had come to pass, or to whom it could be attributed.
There were of course only two suspects. Miss Billingbrox hotly denied Voltan's suggestion that she had performed a dirty protest, and in her defence pointed to her continued incarceration in the sump room. She then demanded she be released. (Moreover, she was abusive and made improper remarks regarding Voltan's private life. This Voltan chose to ignore for the time being. Voltan shall smite her for it later, however.)
Zane too denied being the author of this outrage. And Voltan must admit that it does seem unlikely. Under Voltan's orders Zane spent last night scraping the barnacles from the super secret underwater exit.
Voltan is perplexed. Voltan has cordoned the area off and shall investigate further.
Voltan often makes inspections of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, noting cleaning and maintenance tasks that require attention. This Voltan does by mid-morning. Voltan then outlines to Zane what action is to be taken. Granted, Zane does not always perform to Voltan's high standards, but the shortfall is usually of a tolerable level.
Since Miss Billingbrox arrived and turned his head, however, standards have been slipping. This morning Voltan was strolling between the shark tank and the boiler room—idly wondering whether fitting lasers to the sharks' heads had been such a good idea after all—when Voltan was abruptly shaken by the sight of a human turd occupying the middle of the corridor.
Voltan is rarely given to swearing but did so liberally on this occasion. What was a human turd doing here? It was quite sizeable, and glistened slightly in the red glow from the sharks' activity. This vexed Voltan. It was offensive. It was smelly. It was on the floor. It coiled slightly at one tapered end. The other end was more rounded and bulged most unpleasantly.
Upon closer inspection the turd appeared still to be quite fresh. It must have been laid some time last night. But toilets are plentiful on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta and are all functioning properly. Voltan could not understand why this had come to pass, or to whom it could be attributed.
There were of course only two suspects. Miss Billingbrox hotly denied Voltan's suggestion that she had performed a dirty protest, and in her defence pointed to her continued incarceration in the sump room. She then demanded she be released. (Moreover, she was abusive and made improper remarks regarding Voltan's private life. This Voltan chose to ignore for the time being. Voltan shall smite her for it later, however.)
Zane too denied being the author of this outrage. And Voltan must admit that it does seem unlikely. Under Voltan's orders Zane spent last night scraping the barnacles from the super secret underwater exit.
Voltan is perplexed. Voltan has cordoned the area off and shall investigate further.
Wednesday
Day 302: Spidergeddon
Voltan has learnt that there are many spiders on the mainland at the moment. This is a result of favourable climactic conditions over the previous twelve months.
Voltan wonders whether it is possible to reconfigure the Evilscope to transmit on a frequency they can hear. The arachnid legions are currently sowing fear in a most inefficient manner. With Voltan's co-ordination and guidance they could cause terror and panic in the cities of the world. Moreover, they could entangle military and law-enforcement targets in their webs. Then conditions would be ripe for Voltan's sweep to power.
Voltan can picture them now scuttling majestically along major thoroughfares and sweeping across the facades of national monuments. There shall be no glass large enough to cover them, no card powerful enough to slide under them! They shall conquer all for Voltan!
This pleases Voltan.
Voltan wonders whether it is possible to reconfigure the Evilscope to transmit on a frequency they can hear. The arachnid legions are currently sowing fear in a most inefficient manner. With Voltan's co-ordination and guidance they could cause terror and panic in the cities of the world. Moreover, they could entangle military and law-enforcement targets in their webs. Then conditions would be ripe for Voltan's sweep to power.
Voltan can picture them now scuttling majestically along major thoroughfares and sweeping across the facades of national monuments. There shall be no glass large enough to cover them, no card powerful enough to slide under them! They shall conquer all for Voltan!
This pleases Voltan.
Tuesday
Day 301: A set-to
As ever, last Thursday night was movie night on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. But last Thursday was different in that Miss Billingbrox was present.
Voltan now knows why she was so insistent that her new quarters be next to the radar room. She mistakenly thought that it contained communications equipment. It seems Miss Billingbrox is eager to send a message to the outside world.
This became apparent when, as we prepared the Evilscope to project Waterworld (Zane's choice), she rushed at Voltan in a violent rage. There was much scratching. It is often thus with high-tempered women. Shortly afterwards, as Voltan blinked the blood from Voltan's eyes, Voltan noted that Miss Billingbrox was bent over the Evilscope's control panel, jabbing at the buttons in a frenzy, shouting that she needed rescuing—as well as a powerful stream of expletives. Voltan further noted that Zane was also prone, clasping his groin with his knees pressed together.
Nevertheless, it was not long before Voltan was able to overpower Miss Billingbrox and subdue her. Voltan always keeps a phial of substance 3qn about his person for just such an occasion. Voltan then locked her in the sump room, where she has resided ever since. There has been much complaining.
Voltan suspects that rescue was not Miss Billingbrox's immediate concern. Voltan wonders whether the expletives were arranged in such a fashion as to transmit information via a pre-arranged secret code. Who knows what she could have achieved had she been able to activate the transmission facility.
This is a dangerous situation. Voltan must watch Miss Billingbrox closely.
Voltan now knows why she was so insistent that her new quarters be next to the radar room. She mistakenly thought that it contained communications equipment. It seems Miss Billingbrox is eager to send a message to the outside world.
This became apparent when, as we prepared the Evilscope to project Waterworld (Zane's choice), she rushed at Voltan in a violent rage. There was much scratching. It is often thus with high-tempered women. Shortly afterwards, as Voltan blinked the blood from Voltan's eyes, Voltan noted that Miss Billingbrox was bent over the Evilscope's control panel, jabbing at the buttons in a frenzy, shouting that she needed rescuing—as well as a powerful stream of expletives. Voltan further noted that Zane was also prone, clasping his groin with his knees pressed together.
Nevertheless, it was not long before Voltan was able to overpower Miss Billingbrox and subdue her. Voltan always keeps a phial of substance 3qn about his person for just such an occasion. Voltan then locked her in the sump room, where she has resided ever since. There has been much complaining.
Voltan suspects that rescue was not Miss Billingbrox's immediate concern. Voltan wonders whether the expletives were arranged in such a fashion as to transmit information via a pre-arranged secret code. Who knows what she could have achieved had she been able to activate the transmission facility.
This is a dangerous situation. Voltan must watch Miss Billingbrox closely.
Monday
Day 300, later: Electoral update
Voltan has spent much of the day working on the scheme to zombify the world's legislatures. Voltan has concluded that the prime occasion for implementing this scheme is at the start of a new legislative period.
Today legislative elections were held in Sweden. A new centre-right Government has prevailed. A new cabinet shall be appointed in due course.
The time for zombification is ripe.
Further legislative elections were held in the German federal states of Berlin and Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. Perhaps Voltan can bring down the Bundesrat from within.
Today legislative elections were held in Sweden. A new centre-right Government has prevailed. A new cabinet shall be appointed in due course.
The time for zombification is ripe.
Further legislative elections were held in the German federal states of Berlin and Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. Perhaps Voltan can bring down the Bundesrat from within.
Day 300: Voltan dares to dream
Visionaries are often dismissed as fantasists. Indeed, Voltan would have thought as much of anyone who suggested packing the worlds' legislatures with biddable legions of the undead. And yes it has been done already! For Voltan has learnt that the Conservative Party in the British legislature has fewer living, human MPs than it has zombies and ghouls.
Voltan can only marvel at the mind behind this. Voltan wonders who it could have been. Perhaps their controller walked among them disguised as yet another zombie? Tebbit, perhaps. Or even Thatcher, although that seems too obvious. More likely she was a decoy zombie created to draw fire away from the real leader. Voltan is unsure as to when the zombification of the party began. Could it have been under Hague? Howard? Perhaps it was Blair: a zombie opposition would serve his purposes admirably. Or even the monarch, although Voltan doubts she would have the stomach for it: being married to a zombie would be enough to put anyone off.
Voltan must discover who this mastermind is and learn their secret. With such knowledge Voltan can zombify legislative branches of government across the globe. Then control of the nation states shall fall to Voltan, and world domination can be achieved! This shall be to the glory of Voltan!
Voltan can only marvel at the mind behind this. Voltan wonders who it could have been. Perhaps their controller walked among them disguised as yet another zombie? Tebbit, perhaps. Or even Thatcher, although that seems too obvious. More likely she was a decoy zombie created to draw fire away from the real leader. Voltan is unsure as to when the zombification of the party began. Could it have been under Hague? Howard? Perhaps it was Blair: a zombie opposition would serve his purposes admirably. Or even the monarch, although Voltan doubts she would have the stomach for it: being married to a zombie would be enough to put anyone off.
Voltan must discover who this mastermind is and learn their secret. With such knowledge Voltan can zombify legislative branches of government across the globe. Then control of the nation states shall fall to Voltan, and world domination can be achieved! This shall be to the glory of Voltan!
Friday
Day 297: Evilscope
A little background for the little people: you may imagine the Evilscope to be a mere image-viewing device. Ha! It is more powerful than your feeble televisions. It is greater even than your hard-drive enabled personal digital televisual whizz-bang boxes. For not only can it receive all forms of broadcasts and communications known to man, but it can transmit them too.
The Evilscope on Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha can, at any rate. However, the example to be found here on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is less impressive. The sea air seems to have corroded some internal parts.
Its reception is limited at best, allowing for viewing of most terrestrial and satellite television stations from the nearer nation states. If the wind is blowing in the right direction it may even become possible to receive a picture clear enough that Voltan no longer needs to squint. Private and military communications may be eavesdropped upon if the sea swell is not too high, but to do so can interfere with the operation of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's internal systems, including lighting, heating and waste processing.
Transmission is haphazard. Voltan can access the internet, and interrupt radio reception within a two-mile radius. Voltan is the scourge of passing shipping! (Of which, admittedly, there is very little.) However, the forced broadcast of chilling messages to television sets in homes and drinking establishments throughout the world of which Voltan has long dreamt is still some way off.
The Evilscope on Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha can, at any rate. However, the example to be found here on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is less impressive. The sea air seems to have corroded some internal parts.
Its reception is limited at best, allowing for viewing of most terrestrial and satellite television stations from the nearer nation states. If the wind is blowing in the right direction it may even become possible to receive a picture clear enough that Voltan no longer needs to squint. Private and military communications may be eavesdropped upon if the sea swell is not too high, but to do so can interfere with the operation of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's internal systems, including lighting, heating and waste processing.
Transmission is haphazard. Voltan can access the internet, and interrupt radio reception within a two-mile radius. Voltan is the scourge of passing shipping! (Of which, admittedly, there is very little.) However, the forced broadcast of chilling messages to television sets in homes and drinking establishments throughout the world of which Voltan has long dreamt is still some way off.
Thursday
Day 296: Bonfire of the profanities
When Voltan is ruler of all, Voltan must be wary of sedition. There will be malcontents. Voltan must thwart the malcontents! One method Voltan will employ is to burn books. This will be greeted with joy by the semi-literate masses.
Voltan can imagine the malcontents’ faces watching their pretty books burn. Ha ha ha! They will be beyond despair! This pleases Voltan.
Voltan can imagine the malcontents’ faces watching their pretty books burn. Ha ha ha! They will be beyond despair! This pleases Voltan.
Wednesday
Day 295, later: A meeting with Miss Billingbrox
It is now five days since our interloper arrived. Voltan has thus far been unable to ascertain just how much Miss Billingbrox knew about Voltan and Super Secret Sea-Base Beta before her arrival. Had this occurred upon Super Secret Sea-Base Alpha Voltan would simply have subjected her to the Brainulator. However, Sea-Base Beta is not endowed with such a machine.
Voltan shall now recount a conversation that took place soon after her arrival. Miss Billingbrox had finally recovered from her ordeal enough to begin to take note of her surroundings.
'I want some food,' she said. (Why must Voltan always be plagued by impudence?)
'Zane has fed you, I believe.'
'He gave me bread and water, yes, but I need some real food.'
'I see. It was imaginary bread, perhaps?'
'I need something nutritious. Something hot. With vegetables in it.'
Voltan will admit to being taken aback at her forthright manner. Nevertheless, it does not do in such situations to cede the upper hand.
'What are you doing here, Miss Billingbrox?'
'At this precise moment, Mr... Mr Whoever-You-Are, I am asking for some proper food. I don't want to sound ungrateful. You did rescue me after all. But that doesn't make me your prisoner. I mean, have you even tried to contact the authorities? Someone is coming to collect me from here, aren't they?'
It was at this point that Voltan came to a conclusion: the more food that Miss Billinbrox's mouth contained, the fewer questions could issue forth from it.
'I shall have Zane bring you something from the kitchen.'
Voltan turned and left. And she shouted: 'You still haven't told me your name.'
Since this conversation Voltan has not had time to meet with Miss Billingbrox. Voltan has been busy hatching diabolical plots. However, there has been a certain level of communication through Zane. Miss Billingbrox relays any messages she may have for Voltan to Zane when he serves her meals. Voltan sends any answer when Zane collects the dishes from her new quarters next to the radar room. Voltan is troubled by such extensive contact between Zane and Miss Billingbrox—especially given Zane's infatuation with the girl—however there is little choice at present. Voltan can only hope that Zane is able to hold his tongue. By her very presence upon Super Secret Sea-Base Beta Miss Billingbrox already knows too much.
Voltan shall now recount a conversation that took place soon after her arrival. Miss Billingbrox had finally recovered from her ordeal enough to begin to take note of her surroundings.
'I want some food,' she said. (Why must Voltan always be plagued by impudence?)
'Zane has fed you, I believe.'
'He gave me bread and water, yes, but I need some real food.'
'I see. It was imaginary bread, perhaps?'
'I need something nutritious. Something hot. With vegetables in it.'
Voltan will admit to being taken aback at her forthright manner. Nevertheless, it does not do in such situations to cede the upper hand.
'What are you doing here, Miss Billingbrox?'
'At this precise moment, Mr... Mr Whoever-You-Are, I am asking for some proper food. I don't want to sound ungrateful. You did rescue me after all. But that doesn't make me your prisoner. I mean, have you even tried to contact the authorities? Someone is coming to collect me from here, aren't they?'
It was at this point that Voltan came to a conclusion: the more food that Miss Billinbrox's mouth contained, the fewer questions could issue forth from it.
'I shall have Zane bring you something from the kitchen.'
Voltan turned and left. And she shouted: 'You still haven't told me your name.'
Since this conversation Voltan has not had time to meet with Miss Billingbrox. Voltan has been busy hatching diabolical plots. However, there has been a certain level of communication through Zane. Miss Billingbrox relays any messages she may have for Voltan to Zane when he serves her meals. Voltan sends any answer when Zane collects the dishes from her new quarters next to the radar room. Voltan is troubled by such extensive contact between Zane and Miss Billingbrox—especially given Zane's infatuation with the girl—however there is little choice at present. Voltan can only hope that Zane is able to hold his tongue. By her very presence upon Super Secret Sea-Base Beta Miss Billingbrox already knows too much.
Day 295: Divide and rule
Voltan shall attack not just individual nation states, but the very concept of a nation state!
Voltan shall target major metropolises throughout the world: New York, Los Angeles, London, Tokyo, Paris, Madrid, Rome, Berlin, Cape Town, Nairobi, Tunis, Cairo, Alexandria, Buenos Aires, Sydney. In each case Voltan shall disrupt the proper functioning of the infrastructure. The transport and communication networks, the distribution of food and fuel, the processing of payments and access to cash. Voltan shall do this in such a manner that the nation state government is blamed.
Voltan shall harness the citizens' rage. Voltan shall foment revolution. In each case the aim shall be cessation from the nation state and the creation of an independent city state. Through puppet governors Voltan shall be the ultimate lord and ruler of the world's major cities. From this power-base, further advances towards world domination can be made.
Voltan shall target major metropolises throughout the world: New York, Los Angeles, London, Tokyo, Paris, Madrid, Rome, Berlin, Cape Town, Nairobi, Tunis, Cairo, Alexandria, Buenos Aires, Sydney. In each case Voltan shall disrupt the proper functioning of the infrastructure. The transport and communication networks, the distribution of food and fuel, the processing of payments and access to cash. Voltan shall do this in such a manner that the nation state government is blamed.
Voltan shall harness the citizens' rage. Voltan shall foment revolution. In each case the aim shall be cessation from the nation state and the creation of an independent city state. Through puppet governors Voltan shall be the ultimate lord and ruler of the world's major cities. From this power-base, further advances towards world domination can be made.
Tuesday
Day 294: Home shopping the evil way
Today Voltan received the new season's brochure from Maim & Goodlowe Ltd, purveyors of deathraps and doomsday weaponry. Voltan has long considered the anti-hero measures on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta below par. In particular the time has come to choose a new deathtrap for A Deck. Concealed pits lined with rusty spikes no longer strike fear into the hearts of Voltan's adversaries. Once, in a slower, more innocent time, perhaps...
Moreover, Voltan wishes a quicker method of dispatching intruders. There was a time when their agonized screams pleased Voltan, but they soon lost their novelty factor. Now Voltan considers them an annoyance at best. As such Voltan will forgo slowly-moving walls that crush a victim inch by inch. No trap with a TDR* higher than 5s shall be considered.
After deadliness, a further consideration must be cleaning and maintenance. Zane complains bitterly when ordered to dispose of entrails. This in turn vexes Voltan. Blades are out, then.
Instead, Voltan shall move with the times and order a more modern deathtrap: the Zappulon 5000-K®. Essentially it is little more than a device primed to expose a passing victim to enormous amounts of electricity; the main innovation lies in the earthing and measures to ensure that its killing power is directed at its victim only, thereby obviating the need for those working nearby to wear outsized rubber gauntlets.
Voltan is tempted to order the gaunlets anyway as a style statement.
* Time/death rating. Just one example of the jargon creeping into modern villainry.
Moreover, Voltan wishes a quicker method of dispatching intruders. There was a time when their agonized screams pleased Voltan, but they soon lost their novelty factor. Now Voltan considers them an annoyance at best. As such Voltan will forgo slowly-moving walls that crush a victim inch by inch. No trap with a TDR* higher than 5s shall be considered.
After deadliness, a further consideration must be cleaning and maintenance. Zane complains bitterly when ordered to dispose of entrails. This in turn vexes Voltan. Blades are out, then.
Instead, Voltan shall move with the times and order a more modern deathtrap: the Zappulon 5000-K®. Essentially it is little more than a device primed to expose a passing victim to enormous amounts of electricity; the main innovation lies in the earthing and measures to ensure that its killing power is directed at its victim only, thereby obviating the need for those working nearby to wear outsized rubber gauntlets.
Voltan is tempted to order the gaunlets anyway as a style statement.
* Time/death rating. Just one example of the jargon creeping into modern villainry.
Monday
Day 293: Voltanistan
Voltan admires Saparmyrat Ataýewiç Nyýazow, the great Turkmenbashi! He is a true leader worthy of praise. It will be a great shame to depose him. However, Voltan shall not flinch from this when it is time.
When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Voltan shall order the construction of giant, rotating golden statues of Voltan to be placed in the principal cities throughout Voltan's dominions.
There shall be much rejoicing. This pleases Voltan.
Moreover, Voltan shall rename various locations in order to reflect their status within the new world order. Thus New York shall become Voltanhattan; London, Voltanium; and Sydney Voltanharbour, New South Voltanland.
All current nation states shall be abolished. They shall be replaced with a single state: Voltanistan.
When Voltan is lord and ruler of all, Voltan shall order the construction of giant, rotating golden statues of Voltan to be placed in the principal cities throughout Voltan's dominions.
There shall be much rejoicing. This pleases Voltan.
Moreover, Voltan shall rename various locations in order to reflect their status within the new world order. Thus New York shall become Voltanhattan; London, Voltanium; and Sydney Voltanharbour, New South Voltanland.
All current nation states shall be abolished. They shall be replaced with a single state: Voltanistan.
Saturday
Day 291: Spitting
Voltan is disgusted by the poor hygiene and manners of little people. Particularly repugnant is the habit of spitting. Voltan shall ban all spitting. Sportsmen and women shall not be immune. Voltan shall not tolerate the spreading of disease. Voltan shall not tolerate the dirtying of the streets. Voltan shall not tolerate turpitude.
Those spitting chewing gum shall be doubly punished.
This edict shall also apply to fellatio.
Those spitting chewing gum shall be doubly punished.
This edict shall also apply to fellatio.
Friday
Day 290, later: Becalmed
After yesterday's wind, today Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is becalmed. The sea reflects the few clouds above with barely a ripple. All is quiet.
Inside it is quiet, too. Zane has been unusually assiduous in carrying out his duties. Voltan suspects he does not wish to be lambasted in front of the interloper. As for Miss Billingbrox, she has spent most of the day asleep.
It has occurred to Voltan that perhaps her arrival was no accident. Maintaining the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is paramount. Thus, before Voltan can dispose of her, Voltan must discover how much she knows. If she came on a mission then there will be others who know of the Sea-Base, and it will be in jeopardy.
She woke not long ago. Voltan sent Zane to feed her and give her some clothes. Hers were little more than rags. Zane has been given strict instructions not to give her any information. Voltan will talk with her later.
Voltan has used the Evilscope to investigate this Bibi Billingbrox, but it has found nothing. Nothing at all. This vexes Voltan.
Who is this mysterious girl?
Inside it is quiet, too. Zane has been unusually assiduous in carrying out his duties. Voltan suspects he does not wish to be lambasted in front of the interloper. As for Miss Billingbrox, she has spent most of the day asleep.
It has occurred to Voltan that perhaps her arrival was no accident. Maintaining the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta is paramount. Thus, before Voltan can dispose of her, Voltan must discover how much she knows. If she came on a mission then there will be others who know of the Sea-Base, and it will be in jeopardy.
She woke not long ago. Voltan sent Zane to feed her and give her some clothes. Hers were little more than rags. Zane has been given strict instructions not to give her any information. Voltan will talk with her later.
Voltan has used the Evilscope to investigate this Bibi Billingbrox, but it has found nothing. Nothing at all. This vexes Voltan.
Who is this mysterious girl?
Day 290: Sing praise to the glory of Voltan
The world would be a better place if the little people knew where they stood. They are like children. They thrive when boundaries are set for them. Singing praise to the glory of Voltan will help them remember their rightful place. This pleases Voltan.
Thursday
Day 289: Interloper!
An unprecedented incident: an interloper has landed upon Secret Sea-Base Beta!
It happened deep in the night. The wind had been strong all day, and the swell was high. There was no passing shipping on the radar. Voltan was alone with Zane in darkness. Zane was cowering beneath a table in the main quarters, whimpering with every gust that lashed the outer cladding, so Voltan had retreated to the lower observation deck to be alone.
Voltan had been musing for some time on how best to bring low various regimes throughout the middle east when a small boat appeared and, with a swift inevitability, foundered against Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's northern leg. The craft was soon driftwood, but among its remains Voltan saw a dark shape, immobile, hanging it seemed from a hawser that Zane had neglected to detach after the Sea-Base was towed into position.
This vexed Voltan.
There is a speaking tube connecting the lower observation deck to the main quarters, and it was into this that Voltan bellowed: 'Zane! Get down here at once!'
There was a delay while, above, Zane fumbled with the tube. He then mumbled something akin to 'yessirmistervoltansir' and, guessing from the sounds following, failed properly to replace it in its holder and left it swinging. He soon appeared on the lower deck.
'Detach that hawser. Gather the driftwood. Deal with the interloper. I shall await you in the radar room.'
With that Voltan retired to investigate whether there was a larger craft nearby from which the boat may have come. Maintaining the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta was at the forefront of Voltan's mind. However Voltan could find no such vessel on the radar screen.
It was not long before Zane reappeared, dripping wet and with a strand of seaweed lodged behind one ear. The hawser had been detached and coiled in the store room, he reported. And the driftwood had been placed by the furnace to dry. Voltan was about to commend Zane upon a job well done (for once) but then came the news that instead of stepping on the interloper's head and sending another down to Davey Jones's locker, the idiot goon had helped her aboard and given her cocoa!
'Her?'
'Yessir,' said Zane. And Voltan noted with distaste the grin that spread about his face. The poor fool had fallen in love already. It was ever thus with Zane and women.
Voltan has dismissed Zane for the remainder of the night, and visited the interloper in her makeshift quarters: a mess of cardboard boxes and blankets in the dusty space between the galley and the sump room. Voltan has interrogated her briefly, but she is too exhausted to talk much.
The interloper is a young girl—about 21 years of age—lone and bedraggled. She claims to have hired the boat for a pleasure tour in one of the nearest harbours and then drifted out to sea when its owner had suffered a heart attack and fallen overboard, taking the motor with him. Her name, apparently, is Bibi Billingbrox.
Voltan fears this is the beginning of something long and most vexing.
It happened deep in the night. The wind had been strong all day, and the swell was high. There was no passing shipping on the radar. Voltan was alone with Zane in darkness. Zane was cowering beneath a table in the main quarters, whimpering with every gust that lashed the outer cladding, so Voltan had retreated to the lower observation deck to be alone.
Voltan had been musing for some time on how best to bring low various regimes throughout the middle east when a small boat appeared and, with a swift inevitability, foundered against Super Secret Sea-Base Beta's northern leg. The craft was soon driftwood, but among its remains Voltan saw a dark shape, immobile, hanging it seemed from a hawser that Zane had neglected to detach after the Sea-Base was towed into position.
This vexed Voltan.
There is a speaking tube connecting the lower observation deck to the main quarters, and it was into this that Voltan bellowed: 'Zane! Get down here at once!'
There was a delay while, above, Zane fumbled with the tube. He then mumbled something akin to 'yessirmistervoltansir' and, guessing from the sounds following, failed properly to replace it in its holder and left it swinging. He soon appeared on the lower deck.
'Detach that hawser. Gather the driftwood. Deal with the interloper. I shall await you in the radar room.'
With that Voltan retired to investigate whether there was a larger craft nearby from which the boat may have come. Maintaining the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta was at the forefront of Voltan's mind. However Voltan could find no such vessel on the radar screen.
It was not long before Zane reappeared, dripping wet and with a strand of seaweed lodged behind one ear. The hawser had been detached and coiled in the store room, he reported. And the driftwood had been placed by the furnace to dry. Voltan was about to commend Zane upon a job well done (for once) but then came the news that instead of stepping on the interloper's head and sending another down to Davey Jones's locker, the idiot goon had helped her aboard and given her cocoa!
'Her?'
'Yessir,' said Zane. And Voltan noted with distaste the grin that spread about his face. The poor fool had fallen in love already. It was ever thus with Zane and women.
Voltan has dismissed Zane for the remainder of the night, and visited the interloper in her makeshift quarters: a mess of cardboard boxes and blankets in the dusty space between the galley and the sump room. Voltan has interrogated her briefly, but she is too exhausted to talk much.
The interloper is a young girl—about 21 years of age—lone and bedraggled. She claims to have hired the boat for a pleasure tour in one of the nearest harbours and then drifted out to sea when its owner had suffered a heart attack and fallen overboard, taking the motor with him. Her name, apparently, is Bibi Billingbrox.
Voltan fears this is the beginning of something long and most vexing.
Wednesday
Day 288: Defeating Voltan's arch-nemesis
If Voltan is to be an evil super-genius, Voltan must defeat Voltan’s arch-nemesis.
In order to achieve this, Voltan must first acquire an arch-nemesis. Voltan has several potential nemeses: Voltan’s idiot goon, Zane; the tax inspector; ill-fitting undergarments. The list is long. However, none of these possess the characteristics of an arch-nemesis.
Voltan shall ruminate on the matter and compile a list of attributes required of an arch-nemesis.
In order to achieve this, Voltan must first acquire an arch-nemesis. Voltan has several potential nemeses: Voltan’s idiot goon, Zane; the tax inspector; ill-fitting undergarments. The list is long. However, none of these possess the characteristics of an arch-nemesis.
Voltan shall ruminate on the matter and compile a list of attributes required of an arch-nemesis.
Tuesday
Day 287: The mess must go
Voltan has been watching Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife on the Evilscope. She is an inspiration for Voltan. Such iron control! Such attention to detail! This is how world domination can be won!
However, Voltan cannot ignore the state of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Anthea would not be pleased. There is dust on the rivets. There is rust on the outer cladding. The flanges are all greasy. Moreover, Voltan suspects there may be vermin in Zane's quarters. No doubt they feed and breed within the festering drifts of discarded undergarments that accrete in every corner of his foetid domain.
Voltan has ordered a feather duster and a pair of rubber gloves. Voltan shall put Zane to work. Dust shall be banished! Rust shall be no more! Grease shall be reduced to manageable levels! Vermin shall be exterminated, or perhaps trained up into a crack invasion force with which to create havoc in the offices of the electricity company.
Then perhaps Voltan shall invite Anthea Turner and her white, dust-seeking glove to pay a visit to Super Secret Sea-Base Beta.
However, Voltan cannot ignore the state of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Anthea would not be pleased. There is dust on the rivets. There is rust on the outer cladding. The flanges are all greasy. Moreover, Voltan suspects there may be vermin in Zane's quarters. No doubt they feed and breed within the festering drifts of discarded undergarments that accrete in every corner of his foetid domain.
Voltan has ordered a feather duster and a pair of rubber gloves. Voltan shall put Zane to work. Dust shall be banished! Rust shall be no more! Grease shall be reduced to manageable levels! Vermin shall be exterminated, or perhaps trained up into a crack invasion force with which to create havoc in the offices of the electricity company.
Then perhaps Voltan shall invite Anthea Turner and her white, dust-seeking glove to pay a visit to Super Secret Sea-Base Beta.
Monday
Day 286: Chewing gum
Chewing gum vexes Voltan! Why must little people incessantly chew? They are like cattle chewing the cud. Only cattle do not litter. Cud does not blemish Voltan’s world. Cud does not stick to Voltan’s shoe. Chewing gum does!
Voltan will not tolerate sticky shoes merely to assuage the little people’s unthinking desire to crank their jaws morning, noon and night!
Voltan will ban chewing gum! This will be for the betterment of Voltan.
Voltan will not tolerate sticky shoes merely to assuage the little people’s unthinking desire to crank their jaws morning, noon and night!
Voltan will ban chewing gum! This will be for the betterment of Voltan.
Sunday
Day 285: Voltan shall make the trains run on time
The efficient running of one's rail network is the standard by which all dictators are judged.
That and the number of enemies slain.
That and the number of enemies slain.
Friday
Day 283: Power to Voltan!
Voltan received the quarterly electricity bill for Super Secret Sea-base Beta two days ago. It is beyond ridiculous. Voltan waxed wrathful upon reading it.
Electricity is supplied to Super Secret Sea-Base Beta via a lengthy underwater power line, for which the power company has the audacity to charge Voltan an exorbitant maintenance fee. Thus Voltan is all but bankrupted even before the company adds further charges for the vastly inflated amount of amperes, joules or watt-evers it claims to have sent along this line.
Voltan shall tolerate this situation no longer! Voltan has resolved to generate power independently!
Sadly the skies above Super Secret Sea-Base Beta are not condusive to the use of solar panels. However, there is ample wind to power a turbine. Voltan has ordered one from the mainland, which Zane shall install upon its delivery. However, it is to be shipped via a number of subsidiary destinations in order to preserve the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Thus it shall take somewhat longer than the usual six-to-eight weeks.
Until such time as it is delivered, therefore, Voltan is reduced to following Zane around Super Secret Sea-Base Beta turning off the many lights he has carelessly left blazing. This vexes Voltan. Voltan has also been forced to forgo the daily ministrations of Voltan’s electric razor. But there is a silver lining: Zane is no longer permitted to use the Evilscope to play the recordings of Mr Cash. Silence reigns once again.
Except for the bloody seagulls, of course. Perhaps the wind turbine will chop them into little bits. Voltan can but hope.
Electricity is supplied to Super Secret Sea-Base Beta via a lengthy underwater power line, for which the power company has the audacity to charge Voltan an exorbitant maintenance fee. Thus Voltan is all but bankrupted even before the company adds further charges for the vastly inflated amount of amperes, joules or watt-evers it claims to have sent along this line.
Voltan shall tolerate this situation no longer! Voltan has resolved to generate power independently!
Sadly the skies above Super Secret Sea-Base Beta are not condusive to the use of solar panels. However, there is ample wind to power a turbine. Voltan has ordered one from the mainland, which Zane shall install upon its delivery. However, it is to be shipped via a number of subsidiary destinations in order to preserve the secrecy of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta. Thus it shall take somewhat longer than the usual six-to-eight weeks.
Until such time as it is delivered, therefore, Voltan is reduced to following Zane around Super Secret Sea-Base Beta turning off the many lights he has carelessly left blazing. This vexes Voltan. Voltan has also been forced to forgo the daily ministrations of Voltan’s electric razor. But there is a silver lining: Zane is no longer permitted to use the Evilscope to play the recordings of Mr Cash. Silence reigns once again.
Except for the bloody seagulls, of course. Perhaps the wind turbine will chop them into little bits. Voltan can but hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)