Tuesday

Day 294: Home shopping the evil way

Today Voltan received the new season's brochure from Maim & Goodlowe Ltd, purveyors of deathraps and doomsday weaponry. Voltan has long considered the anti-hero measures on Super Secret Sea-Base Beta below par. In particular the time has come to choose a new deathtrap for A Deck. Concealed pits lined with rusty spikes no longer strike fear into the hearts of Voltan's adversaries. Once, in a slower, more innocent time, perhaps...

Moreover, Voltan wishes a quicker method of dispatching intruders. There was a time when their agonized screams pleased Voltan, but they soon lost their novelty factor. Now Voltan considers them an annoyance at best. As such Voltan will forgo slowly-moving walls that crush a victim inch by inch. No trap with a TDR* higher than 5s shall be considered.

After deadliness, a further consideration must be cleaning and maintenance. Zane complains bitterly when ordered to dispose of entrails. This in turn vexes Voltan. Blades are out, then.

Instead, Voltan shall move with the times and order a more modern deathtrap: the Zappulon 5000-K®. Essentially it is little more than a device primed to expose a passing victim to enormous amounts of electricity; the main innovation lies in the earthing and measures to ensure that its killing power is directed at its victim only, thereby obviating the need for those working nearby to wear outsized rubber gauntlets.

Voltan is tempted to order the gaunlets anyway as a style statement.


* Time/death rating. Just one example of the jargon creeping into modern villainry.

1 comment:

Pengor said...

I bet you actually spent three hours looking at the lingerie pages, eh?

Pengor (arch nemesis)