Tuesday

Day 308: The best money Voltan ever spent

What sort of person would risk their life to infiltrate an isolated marine fortress and leave empty handed? What sort of person, moreover, would advertise their visit by leaving a turd as a calling card? These questions have played on Voltan's mind ever since discovering the turd on day 303. Imagine, then, Voltan's reaction upon coming to a realisation: the perpetrator had not left empty handed, he or she had not left at all!

As soon as this idea occurred to Voltan, Voltan knew it to be true. Voltan acted at once. Zane was dispatched to search the upper areas of Super Secret Sea-Base Beta, while Voltan descended to the bottom. We were to work our way towards the middle and rendezvous in the radar room. It was not long before Voltan's hunch was proved correct.

Turning a corner Voltan found a shadowy figure meddling with a panel behind which runs Evilscope subroutine and surround-sound wiring. The fellow was intent upon his task and did not notice Voltan. He appeared to be unarmed, but Voltan wasted no time in confirming this. Voltan leapt upon the blackguard and smote him hard upon the head. Then came an uppercut to the jaw, an elbow to the bridge of the nose, knee to the groin, kick to the ankles, stamp on the head and kick in the face. Within moments he was lying motionless on the floor bleeding somewhat. Voltan then bound him at the wrists, knees and ankles before calling Zane. When Zane arrived we carried him to the shark pit and flung him in. He was swiftly eaten. Voltan then retired to the galley and enjoyed a cup of tea.

As you can see, Voltan has benefited from the evening course Voltan took some years ago: Ego-management for Supervillains, in which instructions were given on the deleterious effects of grandstanding when combating enemies. Thus no speeches, no explanation of impending doom, no waiting for consciousness to return before delivering coups de grace. Voltan considers the fee to be money well spent.

4 comments:

Scaryduck said...

I gather Southern Electric are rather miffed that you used one of their meter readers as shark bait.

Don't worry though! They've got plenty of others.

Voltan said...

Pah! That was no meter reader. Meter readers do not engage in espionage. Nor do they conceal themselves within their customers' homes for days at a time, defecating on the carpet when the need takes them.

He was an agent from an unknown organisation bent on obtaining secret information regarding the Evilscope. Voltan is sure of it.

Scaryduck said...

Ok, British Gas, then, who are, as we all know, a front for MI5.

Ros said...

Why didn't you keep him for questioning? You could have totured him then!